A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You Might Also Like
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.