Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee