I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance