I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
not for long
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.