@CollegeHumorLol: When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".

@FailsWork: Spanish.

@TheDreamGhoul: DATE: you smell so nice - what are you wearing? ME: Febreeze

@noogscorner: Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

@Floatersfinest: I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'