a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
do horses think humans are hats
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
can’t talk my ride’s here
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.