a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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@funTweeters
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god