A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too