When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me trying to “trust the process”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me