A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My kitchen overserved me.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.