A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work