fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
How actors in movies eat their food
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Happy weekend !
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting