A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
#StillHurts
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.