A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
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My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.