A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You Might Also Like
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues