A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
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Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.