@wife_housy: A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
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@OtherDanOBrien: [Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage] I'll take your finest orphan. "Sir, we can't just give-" Here's $50mil. "Do you like boy acrobats?"
@thatdutchperson: [blind date] Her: so what do you do for fu.. Me: I'M 34 IF YOU DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I'M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
@NamestartswithZ: ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them ME IN 2017: I'm going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me