A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You Might Also Like
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
there’s probably a fee though
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
looks legit
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.