@JermHimselfish: A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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@KalvinMacleod: ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife* ME: holy shit
@hardlyrelevant: Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@ArfMeasures: [My son's 1st day of school] ME [in tears] it's just gone way too fast TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now