*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Does it…does it take 3 days
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.