*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
time for some seasonal decor
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Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic