Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I feel seen.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Jogging
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
#parenting