A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I have never related to a cat more
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice