a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.