6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.