A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…