A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
beware of dog
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”