A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Optional boss fight.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”