A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.