@theshamingofjay: A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
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@KatWar1: [Commercial] *Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple* Narrator: "If only there was a better way?" [On Screen Caption] TEETH
@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
@neiltyson: Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.