Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
me as a parent
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.