@theshamingofjay: A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment
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@MikeZakarian: Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
@EndhooS: [Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant
@Malocallidus: I see dead people. Well actually they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes
@TheToddWilliams: [spelling bee] "Your word is stupid" ME: Well give me a different one then "No, that's your word…stupid" ME: Maybe you're the stupid one