[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
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“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Tier 3 meme
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.