A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Ferrari squats