@BuckyIsotope: A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I'd be grounded.
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@WheelTod: Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.” Hot girl: “I like Star Wars” Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
@tastefactory: I've been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There's a really good article I think he should see
@Sarcasticsapien: I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn't feed them and someone else did they wouldn't go to them immediately.
@WilliamRodgers: Always be yourself... Unless you run into one of your exes... Then... Be a WAY more successful version of yourself...