@BuckyIsotope: A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I'd be grounded.
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@TheMichaelRock: God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.
@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.