A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
time for some seasonal decor
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?