A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???