She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
You Might Also Like
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?