Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.