A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*limbos under the caution tape
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Not today.. 😂
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”