A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.