A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.