A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.