A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
The two types of wives
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.