A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you鈥檒l have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
猸愶笍 LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
馃帴 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I was bummed that I didn鈥檛 have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: 鈾獻’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: 鈾玌nder the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: 鈾獻n an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Cheers Twitter.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.