A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer