A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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Cheers Twitter.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Every BBC series about the universe.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.