A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”