A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.