@jakefromstfarm3: A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Excited for the dance? 13yo: No, because you and mom will be there. Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin! 13yo: I need new parents.
@chrisdowning: Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom