A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Denise please return my vape pen
My beach vacation Google searches
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”