A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet