A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My purse is deeper than some people.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes