@Ivsy01: A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I'm like I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
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@Extranaut: Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
@david8hughes: [at work] "Mornin, Margaret." "Mornin. You're late today." [looks at watch] "Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"
@MafiaJoker78: New neighbours just moved in... I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.