A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
How actors in movies eat their food
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby