A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”