girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
You Might Also Like
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Life hack
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it