A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Time for evil
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Trumpy Cat
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.